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Brian Fies

"Male or female, you need to know when it's time to just pull up your pants and leave."

Well, that's what they tell me on the city bus, anyway.

It's brave for an older white man to express an opinion on this topic. Vaya con Dios.


Middle-aged white female feminist here. I agree with you. Entitlement is found in all sorts of ecosystems. Entitlement to mind-reading is not usually indulged except amongst the very powerful, which category does not include us nor the people involved in this episode.

In other words, this account comes up against the rather self-evident benefits of "you'll never know unless you ask". By even the account of "Grace", he asked often. She may have felt cowed, which is unfortunate. She did not say "no". She sometimes acted "yes" by fairly reasonable perspectives (eg. it's not the intention, it's the impact - this time on him - she may well have understood that her non-verbal message was not being received). She wasn't raped. She was uncomfortable. She won't forget her night of a disagreeable sexual encounter, where she felt rushed and unattracted to her partner. This much is a shame.

However, the "journalist" appears to have read a lot into the way the designated victim recounts the episode and added her own piquant commentary and spin on it.

Few are as righteous as a twenty-something-year-young adult, except those who haven't matured beyond their own adolescence.


Hank G.

I go back and forth on the Babe story. Ansari certainly was insensitive and has picked up some really bad sexual techniques from somewhere (sticking your fingers in someone’s mouth? Who finds that erotic?).

One aspect that seems to be ignored (maybe because everyone thinks it’s irrelevant) is that she was an unknown woman trying to attract a celebrity. She even said that he initially blew her off, but she persisted and eventually he got her number and asked her out.

I’ve never been a celebrity, but I would guess that male celebrities who are reasonably presentable get that a lot. Some of them are looking to make a connection with someone famous, sometimes sexually. It appears that Ansari considered her in that category and tried to give her what he thought she wanted. She was disappointed, because she wanted to be wooed.

I have to wonder if she would have put up with that behavior had it been a guy she met at work or at bar. I suspect she would have have exited the date earlier and perhaps with more assertiveness. Maybe not. But I wonder.

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